How time flies.

“Bathande Bonke Okoko”

("to love them all forever")

How am I supposed to do it?  How do I prepare myself for these goodbyes.  To walk into my work.. my home.... my family.  How do you say goodbye to these people, knowing how you have impacted each others lives, with the possibility of never seeing them again?  

I had one last time to see the children, and say good bye to everyone. The children came at 3, and I got picked up from work at 3:45.  The minute they walked into the door at 3, they ran to me with excitement... fighting over who got to hug and kiss me first.  Olwethu... wearing the same outfit I always see her in.  Red jeans.  Her purple sweatshirt.  and her typical runny, crusty nose.  Immediately in my lap, squeezing me so hard.. I could feel my insides squish.  Then Nolwethu.  Then Yanda.  All the children.  Before I came to South Africa, I would run at the glance of a runny-nosed child jumping into my lap and kissing me all over my face.  I WOULD think twice about children, who wear the same clothing day to day.. jumping into my lap and kissing me all over my face.  Now... now I can’t wait for them to hug me. Show me their love.  and I am going to miss it more than anyone could ever know.  I think that one of the biggest problems and diseases of people suffering within this universe is the disease of people feeling unloved... not welcomed... and unappreciated for who they are, sickness or not.  I know that I can give all my love, appreciation and happiness to a child... adult.. anyone. for 30 seconds.. a minute.. an hour.  I CAN give.  and I will give.  I am happy to do that, and I want to do that.  These children deserve love.  Adults deserve love.  Everyone deserves love.  

Olwethu and I.

All day I ran around the office... staying busy... coughing my lungs up because I am still sick... and driving the office ladies batty because I couldn’t sit in one spot long enough.  Everyone was talking about my last day, and how no one wants me to leave.  Yet, they were all still smiling... implying that they know I will be back next year.  Despite my “keeping-busy-so-I don’t-have-to-think-about-it- being-my-last-day-mood”...I ended up getting a lot done.  An article I wrote will be published online for Umtha Welanga, as well as other networking companies that are involved in the social services and treatment for children.  And... I am proud of myself.  Doesn’t mean I’m ready to leave it all behind.  I will be back.  I had long talks with Lindi .. and neither one of us brought up the whole “last day” shebang..because neither one of us wants to.  I also talked a lot with Amenia, whom I haven’t mentioned in my blog.  Amenia is living in Cape Town, and she is a traditional muslim woman.  Very kind hearted, and very beautiful.  Inside and out.  She smiled at me all day, and just repeated to me “Haley, you know you belong here... you know your heart is here”.  All with a smirkish smile on her face.  

There were a couple times where I found myself wandering around outside at work.  Overlooking things.  Looking at the view of the beautiful mountains in the background.  I glanced over at the puppy that the old man downstairs owns.  He’s always tied on such a short leash, but he’s a puppy.  And his owner loves him.  Every morning on my way into the office I stop and talk to the pup, pet him and play with him.. and he usually leaves my hands and myself smelling like wet trash and puppy.  I never cared.  And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stepped in his dog pooh.  I won’t miss that.  But I will miss having my conversations with the pup... and maybe even the smell he left all over me.    That smell consumes most of Khayelitsha.  The city that I’ve related with... the city that has scared the piss out of me once or twice.. and the city that has taught me what kind of person I am.  Khayelitsha...The Xhosa word for “New Home”.  Ironic?  Possibly.  I won’t ever live here.  But I will visit.  And I will remember the home that it was to me during my time here.  Lindi walked over to me... and said, “Come on Haley... let’s go sit and talk.”  So we did.  

  We talked about politics.. and the corruption that goes on in my country.. hers... all over the world.  No country is perfect.  But it takes the people to come together.. to become one.  And that needs to happen in a lot of countries. 

We talked about marriage and union.  Love.  How it is accepted and not accepted in our countries.  Between man and woman... woman and woman. man and man.  Love.  Love needs to happen in more countries. Not intimacy.  But love.   

Blood diamonds.  We talked about blood diamonds.  War diamonds.  It still happens.  and it is sad.  it is sad what people do for money.  It is sad what people think they need to do for money.  I think a lot more people on this planet wouldn’t buy diamonds if they knew that it costed someone their life.. their hand.. their innocent children.  And still, illegal diamonds are being imported into the United States, and other countries around the world.  I’ve never been one for bling-bling-ritzy-things... and I never will be.  

We talked about our futures.  What is in the view ahead of us?  Lindi has told me a secret that I can’t put into my online words for a long time.  But it will happen.  I told her a secret of mine.  And we have been sworn to secrecy with each other.  

Hope came into the room.  We both looked at Hope.  Her beaming smile that she always wears... with her bouncing blond hair as she hops along the room in her uncoordinated manner.  We still tease Hope about her marriage.  But she laughs at us.  Hope talked about her wedding as both Lindi and I make jokes about her being such a young buppah (baby).  Lindi has a long term boyfriend.. who she will marry.  And I have a long term boyfriend that I will marry.  They both exchanged their wedding fantasies.. and I sat there.  Lindi says “Alright miss I-don’t-talk, tell us about your wedding.”  I had to ponder for a moment.  I thought about everything I have learned here, and how that will effect my home life.  I simply stated, “I don’t want a wedding.”  Both of them looked at me like they weren’t surprised.  Everyday I see people living with next to nothing... and sometimes even just nothing.  Why on earth would I want to spend thousands of US dollars on a wedding, that happens for only a day?  I don’t want that.  I just want it to be Chris and I.  We love each other... and that’s all we need.  But of course a party with our families... to celebrate the love we share.  Lindi then looked at me like she was proud of me.

The pup at my work. :)

Some of the ladies and I on my last day. Right before we said goodbye. 

Cake that Hope made me.  "U Haley"- a nickname i picked up here.. pronounced Ooo Haley.

Lindi and I.  I don't know if I would of survived like I did without the help of my friend.   A connection like none other. 

It was time to say goodbye.  Patrick was here to pick us up.  We didn’t tell the children that this was goodbye for good, because it would be too hard.  My anxiety flew through the roof in fear that I was going to cry in front of everyone.  I kept telling myself.. “I don’t cry.  Haley.. don’t cry.  You can do this.  Stay strong.”  Sis Viv insisted that we take pictures, so my mind was occupied for a moment.  Everyone hugged me... hugged me so tight and kissed me.  Showing me how much they love me.  Lindi said "Haley I am not hugging you.  I will see you this weekend... and hugs make it official, that you won't be here monday morning to greet me with your usual smile."  Sis Viv whispered in my ear “Haley my dear, you will go far in this life.  You have no idea what you have done for Umtha Welanga.. and if I could keep you here, I would.  Now go change the world.”  She hugged me so tight, and a tear rolled down my cheek.  Amenia kissed my forehead and told me to keep doing wonderful things.  NqoNqo has been a mother to me during my time here.  Her children love me, and I love them.  She held onto me tightly... and then on the back of my head.  She says to me “Buppah you get out of here and go change more lives....”  Before I could say anything back, she was “Shoo-ing” me out the door by patting my behind and saying “Go! Go now before you make me cry.”  I took one last look around the room, and all the faces that were smiling with tears sitting in their eyes. I ran down the stairs, and climbed into the bus... and jumped right into Marissa’s arms.  It was uncontrollable.  The tears ran down my face like a river, and Marissa was there to hold me.  I realized that I was crying in front of people... our entire bus of people... but I was ok. I was comfortable. and I had Marissa.  For a little while at least.    

A friendship that will last a lifetime.  Marissa and I.  My first friend in Cape Town.